Fucked Up / Career Suicide – An Interview with Jonah Falco

<h1>Fucked Up / Career Suicide – An Interview with Jonah Falco</h1>

(This article appeared in Unbelievably Bad Issue #20) I remember the first gig Fucked Up ever played was at Planet Kensington, Toronto back in the early 2Ks. The place reeked of fish juice and Damian was wearing a pink Fred Perry. Do you miss those days? And what piece of advice would you give your younger self if you could smear back in time? That gig was my last night of high school and right before the last exam I was due to write (English). The opportunity came up to play and I knew deep down that I couldn't really say yes for the sake of school, but did so anyway. I told my parents...

Smear more



Most the time I have lived in Sydney has been in the inner west. Sure, the rent has gone up a few hundred percent and there are now more frozen yoghurt stores than venues but fucked if I am gonna let a pack of yuppies in active gear push me out. Things are just a wee bit tricky now though, cunts want all these 'references' etc etc for a goddamn place – it's almost like they are screening you for a root the amount of information you have to give them. Anyway, I don't have any of that crap so when I had to leave a share house that my friend was folding, I was at a loose end. Sure, I looked...

Smear more



These days, it is very difficult to determine who is a racist and who isn't. Racists are very clever at pretending that they are not, sometimes even disguising themselves as a Person of Colour in order to spread their racist ideologies. For years I didn't think I was a racist but I recently discovered that I was. Luckily, I went to a cultural sensitivity class and was cured of my racism. Take our test to find out if you are racist - if it turns out that you are you may want to click on our sponsor's banners at the bottom - 97% of scientists funded by the government agree that their...

Smear more



(This article appeared in Unbelievably Bad magazine) The Mandatory Data Retention Regime (MDRR) was started in Australia on October 13th of this year. What this means is that every time you send an email, tweet a sext of your foppish prick, or make a phone call your metadata will be stored for two years. But don’t worry kids! If you have ‘nothing to hide’ you have nothing to worry about. And that is because the guvment is like a big, cuddly teddy bear that just wants to help, and if you are concerned about privacy rights, it’s probably because you are some goddamned terrorist or a child...

Smear more



  When I started up Green Ant Press in 2013 I accepted that I would have to use Facebook to advertise and promote my books. So, feeling like a Frenchman siding with the Vichy regime, I bit the bullet and activated my personal account so that I could start a business one. Not one to be accused of Luddite tendencies, I marveled at the clever use of technology that supported the platform. I bought a book on Facebook marketing and started smashing it on my business page. On my personal page, I re-connected with kids I went to school with that I hadn’t heard from in 30 years. When my posts...

Smear more

50 Cent Millionaire

<HR><h1>50 Cent Millionaire</h1>

I suspect that being a writer is an exquisite form of mental illness. After all, who in their right mind would choose a life of isolation, poverty and addiction? I am not talking about uni-students and other fuckwits who are in love with the idea of being a writer and spend their days chatting idly in cafes and spending their art grant money. I am talking about the anti-social degenerates who spend their days hunched over a keyboard in a darkened room writing insane and dangerous stories that no-one will ever read. The mad ones twisted by lust and criminality who talk to the walls and laugh...

Smear more

The Shit Eating Pigs of Goa

<HR><h1>The Shit Eating Pigs of Goa</h1>

The Shit Eating Pigs of Goa was the title of a chapter that I cut out of my first book, The Crooked Beat, during the editing process. The gist of The Crooked Beat centred around the 'Freak Circuit' in Thailand and India. So lemme explain wot the circuit was .... …In the 60s a lot of hippies travelled to Thailand and India. The most common (and cheapest) route they took was to land by plane in Singapore, travel overland to Thailand and get a boat to Calcutta.  Once in India they would travel by train to Delhi in the east then down to Goa in the south. Not surprisingly, this became known...

Smear more

My Second Book

<HR><h1>My Second Book</h1>

  Unlike singing in a punk band, getting feedback on writing takes some time. If your band sucks, the audience is right in front of you to give immediate feedback. With writing it takes months and months. When I have finished a book, I have a few trusted old friends who give me constructive criticism. Recently, I received an email from one such friend: ----- “Firstly, I finished reading your book, Blockpanda today after printing it out last week. I was impressed by the dramatic improvements in your writing - it is very clear that you have been practicing and honing your craft. The characters...

Smear more

How a Hallucinogenic Mushroom Hijacked Christmas

<HR><h1>How a Hallucinogenic Mushroom Hijacked Christmas</h1>

The Amanita Muscaria mushroom is an instantly recognisable and pervasive image in our society - from Super Mario games to Christmas tree decorations to Alice in Wonderland. There are even theories that the drug Soma mentioned in the Rig Veda is actually the A. Muscaria. My initial interest in Amanita Muscaria was as a cure for addiction. William S Burroughs was convinced that he could cure his addiction with Yage (Ayahuasca) - I had similar ideas but didn't hitch my cart to just one horse - I figured the cure was hidden in some obscure hallucinogen. So I tried just about every single one. My...

Smear more

dIStOrT tHe wOrLd – An interview with Dan Stewart

<HR><h1>dIStOrT tHe wOrLd – An interview with Dan Stewart</h1>

  (This interview appeared in Unbelievably Bad magazine) It’s hard not to be a hagiographic cunt when interviewing someone like Dan Stewart. This interview has been at least a year in the making. It was slow going because he was studying full time, working full time, singing and playing in three killer bands, putting out the most excellent zine Distort, and smearing all over the motherfuckin’ world. I received emails from him in Poland, whilst on tour in Copenhagen and from the shitter in Melbourne. Social capital anyone? Q1 Which conspiracy theory is floating your boat...

Smear more

Phuck the System!

<HR><h1>Phuck the System!</h1>

(This article appeared in Unbelievably Bad Magazine) An introduction to cypher-punks, crypto-anarchists and buying drugs on the darknet. “Just as the technology of printing altered and reduced the power of medieval guilds and the social power structure, so too will cryptologic methods fundamentally alter the nature of corporations and of government interference in economic transactions.” – Timothy May, The Crypto Anarchist Manifesto, 1992. “We the cypherpunks are dedicated to building anonymous systems. We are defending our privacy with cryptography, with anonymous mail forwarding...

Smear more

Who is Mr. Chuckles?

<HR><h1>Who is Mr. Chuckles?</h1>

When I was living in fucking Melbourne a few years ago, I was accepted into a writing course at RMIT. I really didn’t learn much but it beat the hell out of working for a living. Seeing as fiction wasn’t paying the bills, I figured that I might as well give freelance journalism a go. All the kids I went to school with were swell except for the smelly communist chick in my poetry class. She always spoke in a whisper and her fucking poems were only ever two lines long and all about losing her virginity. She was always asking me, “are you drunk?” which I was but that was beside the point. One...

Smear more

Prudence Tecumseths’s Hospice for Wayward Thespians

<HR><h1>Prudence Tecumseths’s Hospice for Wayward Thespians</h1>

    At work I listen to an ‘oldies’ station(old post from 2011). I steadfastly refuse to listen to any other station – they hurt my brain. Mostly, the adverts are for funeral homes and medication for fellas that can’t crack a barnesy. The morning presenter always imparts a little of his culinary wisdom during his segment. Yesterday, he instructed how to make fried rice with chicken stock, insisting that it was beeeewdiful. Their playlist is mainly 50’s and 60’s although sometimes a racier track from the 70’s sneaks it’s way in. It is by far my favourite...

Smear more

I Fuckin’ Love LSD!

<HR><h1>I Fuckin’ Love LSD!</h1>

One thing that really pisses me off with the world today is people’s ignorance in regards to LSD. This mainly extends to dosage issues although recently I had a friend tell me she had never taken LSD before, but had taken acid! When I was living in Toronto, it was difficult to get acid and when I finally tracked some down I asked the dealer how many micrograms were on the blotter, and you know what he said? He said, “What’s that?” I spent the next half an hour educating him on the finer points of lysergic science. What truly drives me fucking  insane is when you try to have an intelligent...

Smear more



  On my first winter in Toronto back in '98, I was having a particularly miserable night. It is all well and dandy to prance around with sneakers with holes of them in Sydney, but do the same thing in Toronto in -10, and your feet quickly turn into iceblocks. There are very few things, except some drug combinations and certain personalities, that turn me into a surly asshole - but frozen feet made a quick job of it. The funny thing was, I was walking around drinking imported Japanese beers and smoking Cuban cigars - all bought by my welfare cheque. For some reason over there you can get imported...

Smear more