Advice Column


Dear Gertrude…

We live in a sexy, sexy world. Sex is a subject that is on everyone’s lips. Some people get too much, some not enough and some prefer a hassle free fingerbang. Many problems can arise from our pursuit of sex related gratification. Our resident sex therapist Gertrude answers some of our readers more pressing concerns in regards to sex and sexuality.

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underneath the stairwell dear gertrude 1

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Gerty,

I am the Indian student. Why do the Australian lady only are wanting the sexy with me when they are sleeping in my taxi cab?

Gerty says,

You silly duffer! The ladies you speak of aren’t ‘asleep’, they are unconscious from too much alcohol or drugs. What you are doing therefore constitutes rape, but really how else are you going to have sex with an Australian woman? I wouldn’t be too concerned about it though – if you get in trouble from the police, just grab a one way ticket on the next plane back to India.

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underneath the stairwell dear gertrude 1

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Gerty,

I am a Catholic priest and I thoroughly enjoy sodomising children. Lately however, I have been feeling a great deal of shame and disgust at myself. This is due to the fact that I have been forced to wear condoms due to DNA related concerns. I know that the wearing of condoms is a sin, but I really don’t want to go to jail. Please help Gerty!

Gerty says,

You should be deeply ashamed and disgusted at your filthy behaviour! Don’t you remember the Pope ordering Africans not to use condoms? How dare you defy the sacred word of His Holiness. God hates you!

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underneath the stairwell dear gertrude 1

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Gerty,

I have a medical condition called ‘micro penis’ – this means that my dickybird didn’t form properly when I was in the womb and is very small. When fully mongreled, it is just over an inch long and very skinny. I am 20 and still haven’t had sex with a woman for fear she will spread the news around. I tried to root a woman when I was on holiday and she laughed at my pecker. Please tell me if there is an operation or something I can get to fix this.

(Name and address withheld)

Gerty says,

I am terribly sorry, but Dear Gertrude does not withhold names. Your name is Ted McBeefer and you live at 314 Smith street, Collingwood.

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underneath the stairwell dear gertrude 1

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Gerty,

In the mornings, a smelly brown discharge comes out of my anus. My concern is that I have AIDS of the asshole and that this is AIDS pus. Are there any salves or ointments one can take for AIDS?

Gerty says,

It sounds to me that you have mistaken your morning shit for AIDS pus! I really wouldn’t be too concerned about all this AIDS nonsense anyway, it is most likely Communist propaganda started by the CIA during monkey fucking experiments. Besides, on the slim chance that you do get it, just go out and fuck a virgin – a sure fire cure!

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