Dear Gertrude is a help and advice column for our loyal readers. Each week, Gerty answers reader’s questions and gives them helpful lifestyle tips for dealing with life issues in the modern age.
I am writing to you as a last resort, I desperately need help and direction. Recently, my life has been beset by one tragedy after another. Most recently, both my parents were butchered by a nazi man high on crystal meth. This comes a year after losing a baby whom I accidently stabbed with an AIDS needle through no fault of my own. I feel so depressed these days that I can’t even leave the house and have been contemplating suicide. Please help me Gertrude!
Oh you poor thing! That really is quite unfortunate – but don’t worry, things can only get better.
I used to be very athletic and social, but shortly after my 30th birthday I was plagued by feelings of self loathing. I think this mainly stems from my pointless job and the vacuous society I find myself in; it seems that nothing has any substance anymore and I feel increasingly alienated by what I see as an empty, hollow, shallow existence. Materialism is the new religion for a spiritually bankrupt society and I find it very difficult developing any type of meaningful relationship with anyone.
LOLZ!!! I jU5t like got THE funniest tweet EVA from my total BFF – @gape_luv “just saw this total FAT loser who like DIED from eating 2 many donuts on youtube!!! LMFAO!
When my cat died last week, I started pondering the meaning of life and vis a vis, the meaning of death. Far from being an existential, angst ridden introspection, I have found this examination to be a liberating and quite frankly, an illuminating exercise. I believe that we can learn a lot about human societies if we look at their respective attitudes to death. What do you think?
I think I will hand this one over to my skinhead mate Bazza, who is quite the Nietzschian…
Deaf, it’s one a them fings wot appens to every cunt, it don’t matter if you are rich or poor, black or white, skin’ead or non-skin’ead one fing is for sure – you will fuckin die. Wot I do when I ave fings wot I fink about that are depressin an shit, is I go down pub an avva cuppla pints a workin class lager beer then go ome and root me sheila in the moot. Oi! Oi!
In the news lately there has been a lot of talk about what to do with ‘boat people.’ At one extreme are the people who call for the boats to be torpedoed and at the other end of the spectrum are those who suggest helicopters to ferry the asylum seekers straight to Centrelink. I really don’t know what to think! What are your ideas on this complex issue?
Like many difficult questions, this has a simple solution. We should process the asylum seekers based on their attractiveness. By implementing a sliding scale rating between 1-10 that assesses their attractiveness, we could set a cut off point of 7. For a score of 7 and above – get them on that Centrelink bound chopper ASAP. For a score of 6.9 and below – torpedo the ugly fucking pieces of shit.
(please send your question for Gerty to : firstname.lastname@example.org)