(This article appeared in Unbelievably Bad magazine)
The Mandatory Data Retention Regime (MDRR) was started in Australia on October 13th of this year. What this means is that every time you send an email, tweet a sext of your foppish prick, or make a phone call your metadata will be stored for two years.
But don’t worry kids! If you have ‘nothing to hide’ you have nothing to worry about. And that is because the guvment is like a big, cuddly teddy bear that just wants to help, and if you are concerned about privacy rights, it’s probably because you are some goddamned terrorist or a child molestin’ cunt.
The new laws require internet providers to remember, for two years, your name, address and telephone number, IP address, email address, download and upload volumes, the source and destination of a communication, date, time and duration of a communication and the type of service used. This is your metadata; the data about your data. Apparently, the content of your communications will be discarded.
The guvment has thoughtfully forced ISPs to build the databases to store all the motherfuckin’ data so these expenses will be reflected in price hikes for their services.
This sounds entirely reasonable, I mean, what could possibly go wrong? After all, the guvment has a stellar fuckin’ record when it comes to looking after cunts.
Guaranteed the sons-of-bitches won’t stop there and before you have time to say, “Pull me dick, mate, get fucked!” new regulations will have been passed to retain all the content of your communications – it’s the whole boiling frogs thing.
No-one will probably notice when this shit happens in Australia as they will likely be re-tweeting sexts of their substandard genitalia or mesmerized by a thought provoking political meme on Facebook.
While it was Tony Abbott’s Blue Team who introduced the new laws into parliament, it was an idea devised by the Red Team led by Julia Gillard in 2012.
What they haven’t made clear however is why the fuck are they doing it in the first place. Some vague mumblings about terrorists and pedos makes no hermaphroditic sense. The MDRR isn’t going to stop any cocksuckin’ terrorist attacks because it isn’t a public safety program – it’s a motherfuckin’ spying program.
Most people think that the MDRR is a good thing because it will stop climate change and racism…or something along those lines. This vague feeling that it is somehow for the greater good is to be expected because the guvment smear machine is in overdrive, spewing fear-bile on society with its crony-capitalist media outlets.
The Blue Team would have you believe that some ZZ Top cunt is in South West Sydney planning your beheading and the defiling of your wife’s infidel moot – Since the action movie 9/11 came out, 148 Australians have been murdered by Islamists – a terrible number. And it isn’t Islamaphobia when they really are trying to kill you – but at least we aren’t Europe. Last year, 150 people were killed by falling coconuts, so you have more chance of being killed by a coconut – the world is a dangerous fuckin’ place.
To be sure, fundamental Islam is the most brilliant system of tyranny ever devised by a rockspider warlord but the disproportionate level of fear spread daily by the lying press about the topic serves one purpose only; to solidify governmental power. Islamic terrorism won’t be with us forever but the laws enacted to combat it will be. As for ISIS, the only threat they pose in Australia is to unarmed civilians and in the Middle East the only threat they pose is to unarmed women and children, as soon as they come up against a proper army it will be like the Italians in Africa in WW2. Can you imagine one of those Neanderthal clowns piloting an F18?
The Red Team would have you believe that a global catastrophe is imminent and that it is all due to melting polar bears and capitalist bankers roasting “persons of colour” on coal barbecues. I couldn’t give a fuck what your goddamn thoughts are on Climate Change but you would have to be shit hammered not to recognize that the way it is being implemented is state control. Every single person I know who believes in Climate Change drives a car. Or two. Take that society!
Meanwhile, the Red Team’s self-appointed thought police are out committing state-control-by-proxy whenever they politically correct some cunt for using the wrong poofter word. They are insanely authoritarian just like the Blue Team.
Which reminds me of a quote from obese Nazi transvestite Herman Goering; “The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peace makers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.”
When it comes down to it, both teams only care about obtaining and retaining power. The best way to do this is to erode your civil liberties for the sake of the collective by keeping you in a constant state of fear. That’s why both teams support the catastrophic failure of the War on Drugs in its latest hysterical campaign against ‘horror drug’ ice.
They bombard society with fear, then when you are quivering in the corner, a translucent mess with visions of melting polar bears and chicks in burkas eating meat pies ricocheting through your mind, along comes the guvment like a priest with a stiffy approaching a little boy.
“Don’t worry, kid, I’m here to help,” The guvment says.
Next thing you know, the little kid is getting fucked in the ass by a goddamned monster. In other words, whenever the guvment says, “We’re here to help.” Shield your perky li’l bunghole and fuckin’ run!
“Oh, yah, but you’ve been high for 30 years, maybe you’re a little paranoid?” I hear punters cry. No doubt I am but my guvment is fuckin’ spying on me, you would have to be a deadset fuckwit to not be at least a bit paranoid.
When I explain the data-retention shit to people, the most common reaction I get is “Why should I care, I’ve got nothing to hide.” Whenever I hear this, I have to bite my tongue to prevent myself from screaming, “Wouldja like some Kool-Aid, cunt!?”
Here are two relevant quotes from a couple of freedom fiends;
“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” Benjamin Franklin.
“Saying that you don’t care about the right to privacy because you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don’t care about free speech because you have nothing to say.” Ed Snowden.
I tell ya what, if you really don’t mind people spying on you, why not just give me your Facebook and email passwords – I will hold on to them and only use them if I need to ‘help’ you – pinky promise. You would have to be fucked in the head to agree to that, yet cunts don’t have a problem with granting some grey suited bureaucrat with moist, clammy hands the same goddamned freedoms.
Have you noticed how the lying media has started using the terms terrorist and extremist interchangeably? Soon the anti-terror laws will apply equally to ‘extremists’ and it will be whichever team is in power that gets to define the term.
Authoritarianism won’t come to Australia in brown shirts and jackboots, it will come draped in the Aussie flag chanting, “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi! Oi! Oi!” It will be right-on and anti-racist, cloaking itself in political correctness and pretty ideas and free stuff. Next thing you know they will be sending out drones to suck you on the prick for no good fuckin’ reason.
It’s enough to make you want to put on a tinfoil hat and run naked into the streets shrieking, “Disengage from the guvment fear machine!” while Love is a Battlefield blares from low-flying choppers.
When it comes to covering your arse phone-wise, things are pretty much kangaroo Ted (rooted.) Shit, even before the goddamned MDRR was enforced Oz telcos disclosed information to coppers 600,019 times in 2014/15, according to the annual reports of the Australian Communications and Media Authority.
Sure, there are apps you can get that encrypt your messages and using audio only over Facetime is OK. It might be a good time to say goodbye to all your awesome Facebook friends.
Thankfully, there are ways to function completely privately on the internet. TOR is an encrypted network that can route your traffic through relays, making the traffic appear to come from exit nodes which don’t know your IP address or where you are. If you know your shit, hack wi-fi with Reaver and browse with TOR using a VPN. That represents complete motherfuckin’ stealth right there, bitch. Like anything on the internets, you can learn how to do it by GTC (Google The Cunt)
Another option is to use a VPN on the internet – just make sure that the provider doesn’t log any info that could be used to identify you, requires minimal personal information to sign up(as in a fake email) and accepts cryptocurrency.
This is the start of the motherfuckin’ clampdown, kids. Data retention schemes across the globe and Net Neutrality (regulation) sound the death knell for the internet and it is going to be a slow, bloody death. Your grandkids won’t believe you when you tell them what the internet was like when it was free.
But there is still the darknet and it is impossible to regulate.
Time to go dark.