Articles


My Second Book

 

underneath the stairwell prudenceUnlike singing in a punk band, getting feedback on writing takes some time. If your band sucks, the audience is right in front of you to give immediate feedback. With writing it takes months and months. When I have finished a book, I have a few trusted old friends who give me constructive criticism. Recently, I received an email from one such friend:

—–

“Firstly, I finished reading your book, Blockpanda today after printing it out last week. I was impressed by the dramatic improvements in your writing – it is very clear that you have been practicing and honing your craft. The characters were well developed people I was interested in, the story was compelling and you did a very good job of throwing the reader into an alternate world without it seeming contrived or too confusing. That being said, I cannot say I enjoyed the excessive levels of vulgarity, absurd obscenity, gratuitous sex, and drug use. I know those are sort of your things, but I just spent a lot of time cringing and thinking “ugh!” and wanting to skip parts. I would really love to see you try your hand at a story that did not involve any sort of drug use, obscenity or vulgar sexual act. You might be thinking “fuck you” just about now – but you may find that if you go outside of your comfort zone interesting things will happen.”

——

Needless to say, this email made my day! I have been stumped about what to write as a synopsis for Blockpanda, but I think my friend may have done it for me. To be honest though, I don’t know what she could possibly be referring to when she talks about ‘absurd obscenity’ – Oh, hang on! Maybe it is chapters like the one below:

——

Charlie sniffed the air.

“Speaking of smelling things, what the hell is…it smells, like…” he took a concentrated sniff, “like…”

“Pussy,” Bunkoo finished for him.

“Yeah, pussy.”     

“Meet Prudence,” said Bunkoo, and almost on cue a round little piglet started rubbing up against Charlie’s leg. It was bright pink, very rotund and impossibly cute. Charlie was sure it was smiling at him.

“What the hell? Where did that come from?”

“Found her wandering around outside this morning.”

Prudence turned around and showed Charlie what she had.

“For the love of shit! It has a woman’s pussy on it!” he swung his legs up off the ground.

Sure enough, Prudence had a hairless, human vagina underneath her cute little corkscrew tail. It was the size of half a hamburger and was completely out of proportion to the rest of her body.

“Crazy, huh? And it’s like she’s in heat, rubs the bloody thing everywhere.”

“And the smell,” Charlie sniffed the air again, “the whole place smells like cunt.

Bunkoo laughed, “I think it lends a bit of ambience, no?”

Meanwhile, Prudence dropped her back end on the carpet and started pulling her burger along the carpet with her two front trotters, leaving a thick snail trail of cunt-mucus.

“PRUDENCE, YA FUCKIN’ WHORE!” Bunkoo stood and picked her up, she started squealing loudly.

“A customer almost broke his neck when he slipped over in the damn stuff this morning.”

Prudence started to shake violently as if having a fit.

“What the hell’s going on with her?” asked Charlie.

“Uh-oh! She’s going into musk.”

Bunkoo turned the piglet’s rear towards Charlie to give him a look. Her quim was vibrating at an ultra-high frequency and exuding a slippery gel. The vibration increased until her cunt was nothing more than a pink blur. The gel-like fluid that seeped from her cunt was quickly whipped into a thick white cream. Then she stopped vibrating, squealed loudly and ran her trotters in the air. Bunkoo took a tea towel and wiped off her burger, then placed her on the ground. She made a beeline for Charlie’s leg and started rubbing herself up against him.

“Gotta wipe her down whenever she goes into musk or she smears the stuff all over the carpet. Apart from that though, she’s a great pet.”

Charlie didn’t know what to do so he patted her on the head.

“Good girl, good…fuck!

Prudence started sucking on his finger like a pro, shunting her head back and forth to accommodate its length. Bunkoo laughed again, “forgot about that!”

He walked back to the bar and picked up a silver dildo.

“Give her one of her toys to play with, usually shuts her up,” he turned it on and tossed it in front of her.

—–

 

You see what happens when you spend hours and hours every day in darkened rooms writing? The mind spreads out and fanciful visions dance before your eyes…

With this blog, I sometimes feel like I am operating in a vacuum – mainly because I have turned off all comments, pingbacks and all of that crap. Nevertheless, a few weeks ago, my niece discovered my blog.

—-

Dear uncle Drew,

I have found your blog to be very interesting, and the variety of both complex sentence structures AND explicit language to be most compelling. Although, at times I had to avert my eyes from the screen as it was too worldly for my precious, young mind. Even if I chose that path myself by going to a blog that I knew might have some unsavory words…although, because it was my uncle (whom I have never known to swear in my presence) how was I to know that my eyes would be accosted with such profanity. Might I suggest a secondary blog, a censored and more flavoursome blog, for your immediate family, specifically your nieces.

Ps. Mum won’t let us watch Flange Desire. She says it’s just too naughty, although she has never seen it so what does she know? It’s just about a tea party in inner Sydney right??

pps. Do you find it disturbing at all the woman who features in my first year baby photo album was the star in a film all about tea parties in inner Sydney?

——-

I tried her suggestion to start a secondary, ‘more flavoursome’ blog minus the profanity, but then I thought, “Hang on! That would just be a ‘Mommy Blog'” So instead I wrote a short story about hermaphrodites bludgeoning each other to death with severed baby legs.