Advice Column



These days, it is very difficult to determine who is a racist and who isn’t. Racists are very clever at pretending that they are not, sometimes even disguising themselves as a Person of Colour in order to spread their racist ideologies.

For years I didn’t think I was a racist but I recently discovered that I was. Luckily, I went to a cultural sensitivity class and was cured of my racism.

Take our test to find out if you are racist – if it turns out that you are you may want to click on our sponsor’s banners at the bottom – 97% of scientists funded by the government agree that their salves and ointments can reduce racism by up to 60%.

Keep this is mind when taking our fun quiz.

Rules: Answer the questions to the best of your ability then add up your final score to find out if you are a racist.


Q1. You are at a bus stop and you see an elderly Jewish man having difficulty lifting all his groceries.

Do you:

-1 Offer to help carry his groceries to his door.

-2 Call up an Uber to ferry him home

-3 Give him a piggy back ride home and when you are half way there, sexually assault him.

-4 Do a ‘Nazi’ salute and scream ‘Fuck you, Yid!’ in his face.

Conceptual symbol of multiracial human hands making a circle on white background with a copy space in the middle

Q2. A Pakistani diner serving halal food opens up in your neighbourhood.

Do you:

-1 Eat there regularly

-2 Convert to Islam and start beating your wife

-3 Rejoice in the diversity of your neighbourhood

-4 Get drunk, cut the head off a pig, sneak up to the diner in the middle of the night and throw the pigs head through their window and daub “Go home Pakis!” in pigs blood on their front door.


Q3. You are at work and your boss introduces you to a Nigerian partner in the firm. After shaking hands with him, do you:

-1 Don’t wash your hands for days, explaining to everyone how diverse your hand is.

-2 Lick your hand sensuously.

-3 Sneak off into an empty office and slap your genitalia violently

-4 Go to the nearest toilet and start scrubbing your hand vigorously with steel wool whilst muttering, “Dirty! Dirty!”


Q. Your best friend starts dating a Japanese lady.

Do you:

-1 Go home and Google ‘Japanese pussy’

-2 Try and talk them into having a threesome

-3 Start dating a Japanese lady as well just to show him up

-4 Throw your drink in his face and shout, “Our friendship is dead you race traitor piece of shit!”


Q. A beautiful Eurasian woman starts hitting on you at a bar.

Do you:

1. Spend the next three days in her hotel room freaking on MDMA

2. Tell her, “Sorry, I prefer negroes.”

3. Give her a ‘Cosby Special’

4. Tell her that her parents should be hung for grand treason against their respective races.


So How Did You Do?

If you scored 18-20

Congratulations! You are a genuine racist. Your racism has been refined to a level of pathological hatred that defies reason and the law.

If you scored 15-18

Sorry, you are not yet a racist although you do show promise. However, you are definitely a sex-offender of the first order with levels of psychopathy that make you view women as prey.

If you scored 5-15

Sorry mate, you are a bloody poofter.